Yesterday marked the 10 year anniversary of my father dying. It was a difficult day as we sat in the ICU room with him. The doctors had done all that they could and we had made the decision to remove support. He was a very proud, hard working man. He wouldn't want to continue as he was. Along with family, I sat by his side as he took his last breath.
I miss you dad.
Yesterday, on this 10 year anniversary, I spent the afternoon meeting with a family planning a funeral for a loved one; a husband and father to 2 sons. He was almost the same age as my father was when he passed. And, like my father, the family had removed support and sat by his side as he passed.
But this post is not so much about the process of dying. That's another thing altogether. No, this is more about what happens next.
As I sat with the family at the funeral home, I became frustrated and disheartened. The funeral director poured over all of the details, and more specifically costs, and all of the options. The family looked at caskets and vaults and print packages and flowers and on and on... As you likely know, dying is expensive. One family recently commented that for the most basic burial service it cost $10,000. This doesn't even take into account medical bills and other care. Dying is expensive. It is also complicated
This is not a rail against funeral homes. I'm not sure what it is, only I kept thinking over and over that it should be different. Somehow, some way.
Two more little examples that I have pondered. For one, why is it that the interiors of caskets are always so frilly? I don't know how many times I've thought to myself, "That is not what that person was about." My dad, for example, was a simple, plain, no frills kind of guy. I joked that I want a flat screen installed with ESPN highlights running. I don't know, maybe I'm just ranting. But another thought somewhat related; why must we dress our loved ones the way we do for burial? I'll again use my dad as an example. My dad was buried in a suit, just as most men are. My dad NEVER wore suits. To be more like him, he should have had on blue jeans, a work shirt, and his work boots. Oh, and a coffee thermos. Definitely a coffee thermos.
I usually like to make some connection to the church in my posts. I wonder if there isn't a better way for churches to die as well. And less expensive. And less complicated. Maybe, but I've gone on long enough.
It should be different. Somehow, some way. That's all I know.
Chris
2 comments:
I agree with you, on all counts (including the hi-def tv). There is a movement, small but sincere, for home-care of the deceased, and it is legal in most jurisdictions that a funeral home not be involved at all until burial - if ever. That's not for everyone, of course, but few people even know they have the option.
I've already told my family I want a simple wooden box - this isn't just a protest against the overpriced, over-featured, hermetically and unnecessarily sealed caskets on offer at the funeral home. I love wood: I love the feel of it, I like to work with it, and I love the Craftsman style. That's what I want, and I know where to get it (http://tinyurl.com/7z5ercv), and by federal law, the funeral home can't turn it down. I do not wish to be embalmed, which is also legal. I'd be willing to bet that not very many people know that.
When my own father died thirty years ago, my mother was at the mercy of the funeral director. Dad knew he was going to die, and made provisions for the disposition of his assets, but not his remains or the manner of his burial. When my mother died, my sister and I handled the arrangements and both of us went in fully armed, so to speak, and the two experiences were much different.
Education is the key here, but as a society we don't do it. We don't want to face it.
I feel like there is some sort of connection between the fixation on dressing up the person for a funeral with the way that we hang on to the King James Bible. We feel that some things should be really formal, out of a sense of respect. To respect God's word is to use the high language, and to respect the dead person is to dress them in a suit.
What it means to respect a person seems to be shifting, but it is taking a while.
I recently did a funeral for the first person to wear jeans to the church I serve - and he was buried in jeans. It was great. I wore jeans to the funeral, and thanked him for being the first to do so.
Post a Comment